By Nicole Rhodes
Thanksgiving. Hanukkah. Christmas.
All lovely holidays, rich in connection and tradition … they’re also a lot of work! When you are grieving a new - or not so new death - mustering the energy to do all the things can require marathon-level effort throughout the holiday season. In addition to the pressure we put on ourselves to do things *exactly* how we did before our loved ones died, the expectations and messaging from society, family, and friends can be suffocating. If you’re struggling with the thought of managing the holidays like usual, here are a few practical tips and ideas for you to consider to make your holidays more meaningful and connected.
Practical Tips from an STL Grief Therapist about Coping with the Holidays after a Death
1. Cards
Sending holiday cards is a great way to stay connected with others, especially with the increased social isolation of the past 1 - 2 years. If sending cards doesn’t jive with your energy or interests this year, there’s some options in between doing nothing at all and operating like usual.
Email virtual holiday cards with companies like the Paperless Post.
Use Shutterfly or Minted’s address printing service.
Snap a pic and text it + a kind message to your friends.
If the thought of knocking out 20+ cards in one sitting is overwhelming to you, write 1 - 2 cards a day. Send when you have them all ready.
2. Decorations
In the spirit but not feeling like pulling the artificial tree from the attic or basement this year? No trouble. Here are a few simpler options:
Light a candle.
Hang an artificial or real wreath on your door.
Decorate a miniature tree.
Hire a lighting company to install and remove lights for you.
3. Gifts
Gift-giving is a great way to take the focus off of ourselves, but getting to the store and ultimately wrapping presents is a major task in a normal time. The ideas below can be simpler ways to show your care while caring for yourself.
Go the gift card route this year.
Shop online and ship directly to the recipient.
Schedule a wrapping party with a friend.
Hire someone to wrap gifts for you.
Eliminate gifts this year … spend quality time with the people special to you!
4. Holiday gatherings
While COVID might have decreased the number of invites we get for holiday parties, your commitment schedule still may be longer than you want …
Immediate family
Extended family
In-laws
Work
Friends
… the list goes on! So how do you decide how to spend your energy? If these get-togethers fill your cup in all the best ways, go for it! If they are draining, though, pick and choose how you ration your time and energy. Consider who energizes you? Who depletes you? Is traveling something you want to do? What’s the impact on your kids if they don’t see _____ this year? There’s no right or wrong way to approach this - it’s a personal decision. Remember that, in general, your decision is fluid and can be changed - this year or in the future!
5. Meals
It’s hard to imagine a holiday ritual without some focus on food! The appetizers, main dishes, desserts, drinks, and more are so good but such an investment in time, energy, and money, too! This is a good time to remind you that you don’t have to do it all. Your time with your family will be just as meaningful even if you don’t supply endless amounts of home-cooked dishes for a holiday meal. Wondering what you can do if you’re not doing it all? Here are some ideas:
Think about …
What do I enjoy making the most?
What doesn’t get thrown out because it’s not eaten?
Is there a food I ONLY eat during this time of year?
Can someone else other than me make this dish?
What are my kids’ favorites?
What will I be heartbroken if we don’t have?
What can be skipped?
What can I serve store-bought to replace this dish?
Then …
Make a menu. Does it feel overwhelming? If yes, what can you remove or ask someone else to make?
Delegate.
Teach your children how to make a dish that’s a tradition in your family.
Order the pie.
Schedule a grocery pickup or delivery.
Eat take-out, if you want!
Enjoy your day.
6. Memory activities
So now … the elephant in the room. How do you celebrate the holiday season and honor the fact that someone has died? What can I do that feels meaningful but not cheesy?
Designate a chair at the meal table in memory of the deceased.
Create a memory box or designate an area in your home to leave mementos.
Light a candle.
Serve a favorite dish of the person who died.
If gift-giving is part of your holiday rituals, leaving the deceased off your shopping list can be an excruciating thing to do. After all, your love for the person didn’t die with them - it just doesn’t feel right to leave them out of the planning. Here are some creative ideas to continue including your special person in your gift-giving rituals.
Sponsor a family in need for the holiday season. Contact a local charity to learn if they maintain a list of individuals or families in need. If you’re local to St. Louis, get involved in the 100 Neediest Cases program with the St. Louis Post Dispatch.
Connect with a local charity to learn if they host auction or silent auction fundraisers. Buy a gift your special person would have loved to include in the auction, allowing the charity to raise more funds to serve the community at large.
Donate your time to an organization close to your special person’s heart. Get your friends and family involved.
Make a financial gift to a charity your special person loved.
Our hope is that you may see that holidays don’t need to be all-or-nothing. Deciding how to move forward when so many things feel overwhelming and unsteady takes so much energy. Ultimately, there’s space for you to do a little or a lot to recognize the holiday season. Do what feels best for YOU and for your family - there’s no judgement here. For help throughout the holiday season and beyond, the Marble Wellness team is available for you. Contact us at hello@marblewellness.com or (636) 234-3052 to get connected today.
Talk to you soon!
Additional Counseling Services at Marble Wellness
Counseling services designed to help set you on a path of living a more fulfilled, calm, and happy life. We specialize in anxiety, depression, grief, chronic illness, therapy for men, couples, and maternal overwhelm. We can also help new moms with various postpartum concerns, moms in the thick of parenting, and moms with teens. We can also chat from wherever you are in the state with online therapy in Missouri and online therapy in Illinois. No matter where you are in your journey, we would love to support you.